Despair

Last night the BF and I went out to Woof, dinner, then Omega. At Omega I met a guy who immigrated from an Islamic country. When he entered the bar he walked directly up to me and told me how "sexy" my shirt was to start conversation. Of course I told him pretty early on that I had the BF.

He's a very good-looking guy, likely to be somewhere around 30 years old. He told me how he only likes black men. He said his first gay experience was with black men and that he's only ever dated black men since. He told me how he had recently just came out ending his prior period of furtive encounters. Remember that the stigma in his part of the world is far greater than it is here. Since coming out he has lost (a) his wife to divorce, (b) his kids to his wife, (c) his house to his kids, (c) parents, (d) grandparents, (e) 58 cousins, (f) job although I didn't quite understand this one and more.

He says that he's given up everything for "one, good, black man". Of course this isn't true. He gave up everything to stop living a lie, nonetheless the desperation and longing of the conversation deeply touched me. There are people that search for their soulmate for their entire life and he's only been out for 2 months. He told me that he's not looking for a big dick, a good fuck, or a one-night stand. Rather, he repeated over and over that he just wants one, good, black man. He even talked about abandoning his religion and being cremated upon his death. I wonder how long it'll be before he gives in to his familial loss and declare himself straight once more.

The saddest thing of all is that it is really difficult to find just one, good, black guy. No... not because he's black, but rather because he's gay. I know that the impacts of culture upon us are grossly understated. It is what makes some blacks internalize inferiority as much as the most ardent racist. It's because they're both watching the same TV shows, movies and reading the same magazines. Well, the same holds true for us gays. We've all grown up in a society that tells us that we are less, inferior and possibly even worthless. Some of us have confronted this and have largely overcome this self-hatred, but many more are still mired neck-deep in it. This is what makes us generally not husband material. That most of us have been more or less damaged by the very society that should have nurtured us.

Fortunately, there are good men out there though. I only hope that my friend finds one. I hope that he is mentally and emotionally ready when he does.