While in the midst of having sex the white guy says to my friend 'I love your black skin.' I think I can safely say that all black guys that date white guys have heard some version of this at least a few times. My friend asked me how would I feel if someone had asked me this. He said that it didn't cause him to bail out on the sex, but that he didn't like it at all.
So what does a black guy think when he hears this?
We hear that we have been reduced to a melanin fetish. Our partner doesn't see us as complete human beings, but rather the stereotypes connotated with by our skin. That there is nothing special about us that attracted this person other than being breathing and being black and that any person with a similar skin tone would have done just as well.
So what the hell is a white guy thinking when he says it?
Well, first the problem with the statement is that sometimes the white guy means exactly what the black guy thought he meant. But not always...
Sometimes what the white guy is saying is that although some people may discriminate against you because of your skin, it is not a barrier for him. That he finds beauty in the very thing that some say lessens you. Or... he may mean nothing deeper than when we say that someone looks good with a tan.
Honestly the statement has never bothered me probably because I am a hopeless optimist and always think the best. Nonetheless... a recommendation for white guys (probably the same for girls too), just don't say it. Not because there is inherently anything wrong with the words but because the chance if it being misconstrued is great.
Besides, if you do say it, you just might not get laid.
10 comments:
Unfortunately, most of the time, all of us share before we think of the implications. When in a similar situation, I let the remark pass but file it under "never again."
how strange, that there are some of black guys who resent that remark. i thought it was a compliment and would not consider it as anything else.
in fact, once i had sex with a black guy in america, and was amazed at the texture of his skin. it was the most sensous experience of my life, and i had an inkling of what it is like when guys tells me my skin is silky smooth.i have taken it as a compliment but never really understood what it was like until i experience it with that black guy. it is a fact that we never can feel our own skin. i was just so amazed at the feel of his skin that i could not help exclaiming it outloud, it was such a revelation. black guys you should take it as a huge compliment when someone says so. and dont let ur inferiority complex make u take it any other way. i thought i should let u guys know the viewpoint of what it is like from the perspective of someone who has experience of both sides of that skin remark.
Anthony, I agree with everything you said with 2 exceptions. In fact, that is exactly why I wrote this entry. Skin can definitely be sexy and sometimes the color and texture of it is a great part of it.
My only comment would be with the word "inferiority complex". While it is true that some of the aversion to these comments come from an inferiority complex that is no more true than when I said that white guys fetishize black guys when they comment on skin, but the truth is always more complext than that.
I guess I believe that the source of the sensitivity could come from either an internal source or an external source.
Internally, it absolutely could come from an inferiority complext.
Alternatively, every black person has experienced racism to some extent. So externally it could originate from a desire to avoid negative (or even questionable) racial interactions.
+100 to anthony wong as he spelled out exactly what I was going to say, but even more eloquently than I could have expressed it. Take a compliment for what it is and relish in it. There's enough bad in life, why create more where it doesn't exist?
I am as white as they come and I have myself experienced racism, so can we please get over ourselves, collectively? Focus on the positive in ourselves and others. It really does make things more enjoyable.
Is this any different than commenting on your parters eye color, hair color, or hair texture?
Nope, nothing particularly special about skin color versus eye color, hair color or hair texture.
Except.... Perspective. Now suppose the person you complimented on their eye color has eyes so extraordinary that he has been abused/used because of them. To him, a comment about eye color will be treated with wariness.
Now don't misinterpret as I'm not trying to draw a direct parallel. I'm just saying that how our personal experiences sometimes causes us to have a different perspective.
Sometimes a complement is just a compliment.
I like your black skin, I love the way your big balls bounce of off my chin , what a tight ass, you are a great fuck. In the throes of passion or the glow that follows it does not mean you have been reduced to just one of these things.
As the entry label suggests ... it is a perspective.
Everyone brings their own sense of perspective to any situation.
Surely perspective, personal experience and context go hand in hand with some common sense.
Even something as benign as 'what a nice day'. “What a nice day” could be said as a purely convivial remark or could be a snide comment.
Knowingly or unknowingly the person you are speaking with could have just gotten engaged or just gotten fired and each person would view the comment through a lens of personal experience, context and perspective.
This is very interesting topic.
Just to add my 2 cents--months after the fact, I believe the context surrounding this comment is key.
As a black guy who tends to be attracted to white guys, I have heard similar comments and have faced the same thoughts. I am HUGE on semantics and how word choice can change the meaning or an implied meaning. Some would roll their eyes at me but I believe there is power in words and was taught by my father to "choose your words carefully."
If this is a trick and the comment of "I love your black skin" comes out of the blue then it would take on a more objectifying tone than if there was some relationship prior where the parties involved could have established a more personal relationship and a deeper understanding of attractions and intentions.
My second point would be to highlight using "black skin". If the comment was "I love your skin" or "I love the color of your skin" then it becomes simply a compliment but using the word "black" as a description would immediately move me to analyze and deduct the meaning.
I tend to be an optimist so if someone could have sex with me, I wouldn't think they were prejudiced against me however, although we all are insensitive from time to time, it doesn't make it easy to be the subject of an insensitive comment.
Personally I'd have no problem with being objectified since that person doesn't define me. I can allow them their views, opinions and even fetishes without being diminished by them. When the threat of being diminished is removed, that person simply becomes one that is crazy about an attribute that you happen to have through no merit of your own. I have no problem with that. But then again, I do have somewhat of an exhibitionist streak so I guess that kind of makes sense right?
Rewording the comment as "I love the color of your skin", certainly makes the statement much less racially charged, but not everyone chooses their words as carefully. In fact, I'm sure that we all make poor word choices from time to time. That said, the question is really one of intent. Sometimes word choice provide hints to hidden intent, but at other times it does not. That's why I try to take people at face-value and assume the best.
It's intesting to see this topic revived.
I have blue eyes and long blonde hair usually worn in a braid. I've been in places where total strangers have walked up to me and touched or pulled my hair to see if it is real ... while I've been startled I've never felt offended. Some things need to be taken in stride.
Dean
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