Struggle

Before I begin let me say that by trade I am a technologist. I program computers for a living. It's something I began doing long before I knew that anyone would ever pay me for it and I continue to love it until this day.

That said, I think that there is something seriously twisted with our society and what we call progress. Progress is almost always associated with clever inventions and productivity increases. It's kind of like those TV commercials that proclaim if only you had this type of soap or that kind of gadget that our lives would be finally complete. In a way we all know that it's a scam and yet in a broader sense we've all bought into this line of thinking.

I believe that we were made to struggle and that that struggle is an inseparable part of our existance. I believe that we without challenges of all types, we cease to grow and in a very real way we start to die. We must labor in spirit and mind and body. Yes... and to some extent we must even suffer inconvenience and discomfort, but rather than these being negative things they are a part of what makes life beautiful and full. Although I'd never walk knowlingly head first into a door, I believe that we have gone way too far in our pursuit to eradicate even the slightest bit of discomfort from our lives.

Somehow we've come to believe that the ultimate goal of progress is to... to... well to not do anything. We attempt to invent and then purchase these things to do everything for us. The sad reality is that we have become indentured to the maintenance and care of the very things that we thought would free us in the first place. But free us from what? Life?

Life is about living and loving and sharing of one's self. Life is to be experienced. Rather than becoming hermetically sealed perhaps we should be playing in the dirt just a little more.

So what is real progress? Real progress is using the vast creativity of the human spirit to alleviate true suffering such as hunger and disease. True progress is to prevent murder and rape and to provide an opportunities for happiness to all. And in these ways our progress as a species has been spotty at best.

But until we achieve true progress, I'll keep my day job of programming computers so that they can make us a cup of coffee without us having to lift a single finger.

We Are Beautiful

If ever there was a theme song made just for me, this is it. The truth is that I believe that I am unique and special and yes... beautiful. But the real miracle is that so is everyone else. We all are beautiful. Sure there are some that have covered their beauty with ugliness, but the majority of us retain the beauty of our creation. I love this song because it reminds us of who we are.

Things I Love

I frequently have conversations with people I meet about what moves them... what do they love to do most. The normal thing to do when we meet others is to ask "what do you do", referring to their occupation. I like to ask the same question, but in reference to fun.

So what do I love?

• I love interacting with people. This can be good friends, acquaintances or just meeting new people. Often I feel that I take a little something away from such meetings. I love the socializing, and most especially, the sharing of our essences.


• I love anything nude. Partly because it enhances my interactions with people, but also because I'm a little bit of an exhibitionist.


• I love dedicating myself to some task and becoming good at it. Examples of this include my life-long love of sports and pursuit to learn Spanish. I love struggling and putting everything into a tennis game and leaving knowing that I did the absolute best that I could on that day.


• I love learning new things and understanding things. This includes travel, culture, history and technology.


• I love seeing people smile.


• I love to contemplate the world I live in including topics such as sociology, science and politics as well as anything else that might capture my attention on a given day.


• I love beautiful, warm days with a bright shining sun.


• I love to see people in scant clothing on warm days. It's not necessarily sexual, but just the enjoyment of having layers that separate us removed.

Is it a Choice?

My Tivo captured an episode of the Tyra Banks show (its programmed to record anything having the word 'gay' in it) where she interviewed gay guys that hate being gay. The videos on YouTube are here. At the end of the show, Tyra asked:

"But the big question is, do you think that someone can ever really just stop
being gay?"

I thought that I'd answer that question here.

My answer might surprise you. The answer is both no and yes.

Speaking from the "gay" side, the problem is that we are assuming that everyone is just like us. However, the reality is that sexual orientation is not a binary, straight/gay issue. Consider the Kinsey Scale where Kinsey rated sexual orientation on a scale from 0 to 6. A '0' indicates that someone is exclusively heterosexual whereas a '6' indicate someone that is exclusively homosexual. The problem is that the gay community is predominantly composed of 5's and 6's. Why? Because we 5's and 6's are the most miserable trying to live a straight lifestyle and therefore more likely to come out. Of course for us 5's and 6's, it isn't even close to a choice and we wonder why this isn't as obvious to everyone else as it is to us. Why can't they understand that we can no more like women, than they can like men?

The reason that this argument can't work is that many of the people believing it is a choice do like men... or at least a little anyway. I think the people making this argument is most likely composed of the 2's, 3's and 4's. This means that they have probably had same-sex desires from time to time and perhaps even had an encounter or two. They really do choose. They can't choose who they're attracted to, but they can choose who they have sex with and enjoy that choice.

We'll ever convince them that our gayness is not a choice because their own life experiences, which they absolutely will never admit to, tells them otherwise. We will eventually win equality, but it won't by using this argument.

Leasons from Dubai

FYI: The photo has nothing to do with this posting nor with nudism. It's just a photo of myself from years past that always surprises me that I was ever that young.

I just read this article about about the rise and fall of Dubai. It reminded me of something that I have observed about our culture.

Have you noticed how we have morphed into a society that is driven by the appearance of happiness rather than happiness itself? I amazed at just how pervasive it is. I too am guilty of this but we must recognize the big lie if we are to move beyond it and pursue true happiness and fulfillment.

Here's an example of what I think is healthy living: (a) we seek happiness and fulfillment, (b) we determine those things in our life that would bring happiness and fulfillment, (c) we strive to do and/or achieve those things, and (d) our efforts perceived by others providing them images of our lives.

But the logic we taught to live by is perversely backwards. What really happens is: (a) we seek happiness, (d) we see images of others that "look" happy and (e) we try to replicate the things we see in those images.

The obvious problem is that we completely miss steps (b) and (c) which are the parts that enrich our lives. Furthermore, in this era of over-commercialization, every successful salesman knows how we make decisions and is barraging us with a constant stream of well endowed-, rich- and happy-looking people for us to emulate. Of course this inevitably means buying their product. It's the big lie and may represent the one of the biggest failings of western culture.

So what do I believe brings happiness? Well of course the details are different for everyone, but common aspects tend to be:

• We are happy when we are challenged; When not challenged at work, we can create constructive challenges personal lives; If we start feeling really comfortable chances are we're not doing something right


• We are happy when we engage in active activities


• We are happy when we learn and do new things


• We are happy when we have healthy and loving relationships with others such as family, friends, neighbors, partners and even strangers


• We are happy when we feel that we are doing something useful; This can be at work or volunteering or helping someone or anything else


• We are happy when we are pursuing what we love (see steps (b) and (c) above)

Don't not believe the lie.

That's What It's All About

We used to live in new, large colonial home in northern Virginia. Four years ago, we left our beautiful home to move into a little apartment within the city that was less than a third of the size we were used to. My question is, which was better?

Our culture has taught us that more is better. That bigger, more modern and more sophisticated is better. I believe these ideas are inherently fallacious.

What does life mean? What kind of life do we want to have lived? These are questions that we all must, or at least should, ask ourselves. Each persons answer will be different so I am not saying everyone should leave the burbs. However, it is obvious to me that our culture is telling us to live a fundamentally unfulfilling lifestyle. We focus on things over people and relationships. We begin to define fun by acquiring/owning/having something rather than by doing something.

What makes me happy:

• Really knowing and connecting with people,
• Going to bed happy that I am someone that I can respect (it really doesn't matter if anyone else does),
• That brief moment with someone new when you feel that you've really connected even if it was only for a few minutes,
• Playing tennis or biking or basketball,
• Learning new things,
• Doing something good that improves the world in some small way,
• Bringing a smile to someone's face,
• Learning languages,
• Traveling to far away places and spending enough time to really get to know the place and its people,
• Helping others, and
• Anything that includes the BF.

Sexual Racism

I came across a link to a website speaking about sexual racism today and found it to be pretty well-done. I tend not to judge others sexual proclivities since I believe that they can be so complicated that often even we don't even understand why we like what we like. But this site moved my thinking on the issue a little. Perhaps there is something a little perverse about cutting off others even before we've even said "hi". Granted, the online sites that the article speaks tend not to be for casual chit-chat, but still.

Sex and racism aside, I've always greatly believed in the basic principle that positivity is more powerful than negativity. Unfortunately the power in negativity is immediate, so we often think of it as stronger, but positivity tends to alter our mood, our mindset, our happiness and the happiness of those around us. It makes us more likable and attractive. These are more subtle, but stronger. Being positive doesn't mean that we must be pushovers either. I firmly believe that we can ask for what we want and be firm, yet in the nicest way.

Go Fuck Yourself

If the title offends then, just go f... just joking.

I presume that I am like many people in that I have always had an internal, mental picture of myself that was not represented by my outward appearance. As I result, I spent a lot of time trying to present myself in a manner that my physical attributes could never attain. OK, confession time... race aside, I've always wanted to be a twinkie, but alas, that is not my destiny.

I say this because a few years ago I realized that I would never have to fuck myself. Believe it or not, this was a major revelation. It meant that I could simultaneously embrace myself just as I am without giving up my idea of beauty. BTW: I think many types are beautiful and not just twinks. see my previous post on the subject.

Sometimes people express that they are attracted to me physically, but I never ask why. Attraction is often mysterious and trying to modify one's behavior solely to become more attractive to another, specific person can sometimes be disingenuous and counter productive. Therefore, I've learned to instead embrace who I am (physically) and seek to further myself to be the best that I can be (physically). This is far better than trying to become someone else (physically).

Would I fuck myself if we met in a bar... probably not. But the great thing is that I can now accept that while still being able to feel somewhat sexy and not doubt that there are others out there for whom I will be exactly what they were looking for. I believe that this is (physical) self-acceptance and am grateful for having learned it.

Note: If you've noticed the word "physical" inserted repeatedly it is because I have never had such issues about my character, intelligence or who I was as a person. It was only the physical aspects that once gave me pause.

What Wall-E Can Teach Us

So the BF and I went to see Wall-E last Friday. I actually liked the movie, but that's not why I am writing. I am writing because not so hidden within its story are thoughts that I believe need to be considered and discussed both on a global community as well as personal basis.

In a previous post entitled Thoughts on Materialism and Happiness I discussed how western culture defines "progress" as inventions that remove all physical stress from our lives. And yet, without such stressors or challenges, we atrophy. And yet with each new gadget we do less. We drive instead of walk, use elevators and even electric knives because the back-and-forth motion is just too much.
Amongst many other messages within the move, Wall-E uses a little hyperbole to show just where we humans are ultimately heading with this philosophy. So as not to spoil it for anyone who hasn't yet seen the movie, I talk any further about the movie. What I do is quote someone else I've read who said,

"Wall-E" contends that real life is hard, real life is struggle, and that we live most meaningfully not by avoiding pain and struggle, but by engaging it creatively, and sharing that struggle in community. It argues that rampant consumerism, technopoly and the exaltation of comfort is causing us to weaken our souls and bodies, and sell out our birthright of political freedom. Nobody is doing this to us; we're doing it to ourselves. It is the endgame of modernity, which began in part with the idea that Nature is the enemy to be subdued -- that man stands outside of Nature, and has nothing to learn about himself from Nature's deep logic.

Thougths on Acceptance

Today I read something that reminded me of just how vicious and needlessly unthoughtful we gay people can often be to each other. It's a wonder that while we engage in a life-long struggle for struggle within our families and society, we nevertheless can't help but alienate others around us. We criticize and exclude others because they're too effeminate, don't wear the right clothes, not the right race, too old, too fat or just not cute enough. All this made me ponder what does it really means to be accepting of others. When I point out to a close friend of mine that he made an unnecessarily mean remark about someone, he responds that he's sure that they'd do the same to him.

That may be so, but do we really want to emulate the most base behavior of our society? Do we really want to let the worst of the worst set our individual goal posts of who we want to be? The funniest thing about most of the criticisms that I hear is that they are almost always completely irrelevant to the person saying it. Why would I really care what someone else is wearing? Can we not celebrate and accept that person's different-ness without the acceptance marginalizing who we are?

For me the obvious answer is that it becomes very hard to accept others when we do not accept ourselves. When we don't accept ourselves for who we are, we fabricate arbitrary, alternative measures and then project these often superficial values upon others to see if (a) they are better or below us, or (b) they are worthy of our attention.

That's why I think that acceptance of others is rooted in first learning to accept ourselves. For when we truly achieve self-acceptance, we gain a freedom to enjoy others around us, irrespective of their social standing and differences, without our mere join presence lowering our own self-image.

Nudism is great at allowing us to really get see the human form. No, not just one so that we can mentally criticize it, but hundreds so that we can appreciate the natural variety of the human condition. Just taking off your clothes in the presence of others requires some degree of self-acceptance. And standing before everyone else, bare as the day we were born, makes us even more capable of accepting everyone else. Being nude removes our artificial security blankets and challenges us to either cower or get over it and accept it.

Reacting Constructively

This post is one my life thoughts series. These are principles that I've developed over the years that I strongly believe in and that guide my day-to-day life.

Let me start with a scenario that happens to all of us on a near-daily basis. You're driving down the highway/street and some asshole cuts you off. What do you do? How do you feel? Many of us would begin to yell or curse. Some of us might gesture at the offender. And some of us might go further and tailgate the offender or attempt "show him" or "teach him a lesson."

The truth is that in a city of reasonable size, there are 10s of thousands of asshole drivers. Believe it or not, most of which are NOT asshole people, but that's besides the point. I try to always think about what I want out of life or a given situation before reacting. When driving, it is typically to arrive at my destination safely. Luckily, it is not my job to teach the world a lesson because for everyone you teach, there are ten others to take their place. But the kicker is that all of the reactions I described above actually hurt us in some way. Either it makes us angrier or raises our stress levels. Or perhaps it causes us to drive more dangerously, increasing the chance of being in an accident, which is directly contrary to our initial purpose. In the worst case, it puts us in jeopardy of being in an altercation with someone that really may be an asshole. In fact it is hard to find a single positive outcome from our adverse reactions to such a situation and yet, this is the course that most of us typically chose to follow.

Well I believe differently. I believe we must always remember the big picture, which is our safety, well-being and happiness. These are some of the universal items, but they can obviously be different for others.

Another good example might be how to leave a job that we hate. Do we leave with a bang that accomplishes nothing? Or do we leave on pleasant terms such that we can use them as a reference or come back in the future? Even if we know we'd never work there again, what is accomplished from burning the bridge on our way out?

DISCLAIMER: I haven't proofed this post because I'm thinking of course everything is right. But I know I'll cringe when I read it later. Oh well, I guess I never learn.

FLDS Update

Well, I'll return to my original idea about the FLDS debacle. That is, the premise that you cannot remove the children from all of those homes because we think that their religion makes no sense or is a cult. We must prove imminent harm to each, single child before placing that child in temporary state custody.

Well today the Texas Supreme Court has upheld a recent ruling by an appellate court basically stating the same thing. As a result, at least some of the kids will be returned to their respective homes. The ruling will likely be applied to many of the other kids as well.

Now don't get me wrong. I hope that the Texas CPS continues their investigations and oversight to ensure the welfare of these children. More than likely, some of these kids should be removed from their parents home. This will be particularly true for post-pubescent, female children, particularly those for which there is specific evidence of abuse. The state far over-reached on this one and needed to be reigned in.

Gas Tax Holiday

Although I love to follow politics, there are certainly things about it that I hate. I talked about the absolute lunacy of McCain's idea to institute a tax holiday from federal gas taxes in a previous post. Although I am a big Obama supporter, I pretty much described all politicians as making decisions for political reasons that damage our nation.

Well I am pleased to report that Obama has come out ardently against the tax holiday. Hurray for politicians that are not afraid to speak the truth and act reasonably even if it is unpopular. Of course, the same view is shared by George Bush, but as my mother used to say, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Shyness

Disclaimer: I realize that the pic is just gratuitous nudity, but I am a nudist damn it!

This post is part of my Life Thoughts series that attempts to document and share my views on life and the principles that guide me through it.

I have always been a very shy person. Usually people that have met me within the past few years have a hard time believing this. They remark about how I have no problem wearing attention-drawing clothes, nearly indecent underwear at underwear parties, go nude and how quickly I'll talk with new people. All this gives people a false sense of my self-confidence in these situations. Nonetheless, the truth is, I've always been shy. I've typically done whatever was necessary to not stand out too much and spent much of my life trying to appear non-sexual. My best guess is that these were coping mechanisms related to growing up gay, but who knows.

I love to play tennis. I normally play at a park where you can easily pick up a game with someone as long as you are willing to ask someone if they'd like to play/hit with you. I recall a few times when I was hitting against the wall beside someone else that was doing the same. I wanted to hit with him, after all, that's why I went to the park, but because of my shyness, someone else would come, and they'd hit with him instead. I hate this because my being "chicken shit" caused me to miss out on something that I would have enjoyed. Whenever this happened, I would promise myself to never not do something simply out of irrational fear.

When you think about it, we'll never reminisce about the things that we DIDN'T do. We'll never speak of things we didn't do to our family or friends. Life is really about what we do. In fact, I've written a whole post explaining my belief about how relationships and things we do are the very things that most enrich us on our journey through life.

Therefore, I've reconditioned myself to not allow irrational fear to prevent me from doing what I really want or should do. As time has passed, it has become less conscious and more automatic. That's not to say that don't still have to fight a little fear sometimes, but at least I do a much, much better job than I did just a few years ago and feel that my life is more rich as a result.

Having Fun

Remember when we were kids and having fun was came so easily? What is it that moves us today? What is it that we really enjoy?

Fun. Unfortunately, I think we often get so wrapped up in the day-to-day necessities of mundane life that we forget that which came so naturally when we were young. Then we finally get a few days off of work and sometimes have absolutely no idea what to do with ourselves. Have you ever noticed how quickly some go down hill after retirement? Equally intriguing is how many times I've witnessed a person's passion help keep them young and vibrant. In a way, this really gets back to my earlier post regarding the importance of doing something. The problem is that we so often defer the very activities that most bring us joy thinking that we'll do them later. By the time later finally comes, we've completely forgotten what is we wanted to do.

That's why I think it is important for us to commit ourselves to remembering and pursuing those activities that bring us joy, fun and happiness and to engage in activities that move and enrich us every day.

Creating My Life

This post is part of my Life Thoughts series that attempts to document and share my views on life and the principles that guide me through it.

First a disclaimer: The title of this post is not original. Rather, I borrowed it from a fellow blogger, named creatingmylife, who has a blog by the same name. When I first saw the title on his blog, it immediately connected it to thoughts that I hold dear.

I believe one of the most fundamental choices that we all make in life is whether or not we will live our lives as victims. Many of us do not even realize that we've made such a decision, but in fact we make it everyday. Yes, life gives us constraints, however, we have far more power to mold our destiny that many of us (perhaps including myself) realize. Creating my life entails deep self-evaluation and asking myself, "who do I want to be?". Then I can start to make that vision a reality.

To gain such control over one's life, necessitates being an optimist in that you must believe in the possible. Unfortunately, many people confuse optimism with naivete, but allow me to demonstrate the difference. Let's say that I wanted to help an in trouble teen that has a history of drug addiction. Optimism helps me believe that it is possible for him to overcome his dependency. However, it would be naive or stupid for me to loan him my wallet full of cash after he'd been clean for a day. Many people become become pessimists because they feel that it protects them from life's disappointments and being taken advantage of. However, if you can distinguish the difference between optimism and naivete, then you can protected yourself from stupid mistakes while nourishing that inner child that looks to the future with bright anticipation.
So what kind of life do I want to create?

I want to be a person that others respects. I want be kind and caring to others regardless of race, age, beauty, religion, body type, and social class. I want to be the kind of person that acknowledges a bum on the street and treat them as my equal. I want to be a person that is true to my word. I want to be a person that is accepting of the diversity of others (note: the one thing I cannot tolerate others is disrespect of others). I want to be patient. I want to be positive about life without being naive.

I want to travel. I want to be constantly expanding myself through continued learning and the pursuit of language. I want to better my understanding of the world around me and it's peoples.

People Who Need People

I think I may have said this before, but I've come to the conclusion that the most rewarding things in life tend to be our relationships with others and activities we do. I say this because our society subtly emphasizes that happiness comes from material things. I've written about this a little earlier here.

I've been fortunate over the past few months to have met a lot of new people. Some I would call friends whereas others were people I met once and will likely never see again. Nonetheless, I can't help but often feel enriched by even the briefest encounter, particularly if we shared a moment of sincerity.

In some ways I think humans are nearly as communal as ants in that most of us too crave touch and that feeling of closeness and connectedness. Unfortunately the downside of our enhanced self-consciousness makes us build up walls around us to separate and protect us.

In many social situations, people stand around and for the most part, talk to people that they already know. I am convinced that often, even the most unapproachable looking people, would gladly like to connect with others, but resort to the familiar because of the walls we've built. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, but I believe it is more true than not. There have been a few places where I have noticed the walls that separate us come down. One has been at nude social events which is partly why I enjoy these so much. The other has been on the all-gay cruises that I've been on with the BF.

Lest you think that I think I am above such things, let me say that I too am not immune from building protective walls. For example, I am a touchy person. No I won't cry if you say something mean, but rather I am referring to liking to be touched and to touch others. However, I typically don't touch people I don't know well at all. I mean, not even the smallest, socially-acceptable touches. This is a wall I've built. Most people would probably enjoy the touch except that they too would become self-conscious and therefore feel awkward. Of course the irony is that in the end we both miss out on something that would be enjoyable because of both our respective hangups.

Anyway, the point is that I love people. I love their differences and their stories. I find that each person is unique and interesting and I take a little something away from everyone I meet. I find that everyone has something that bring to enrich the world if only we take time to dig past stereotypes and preconceived ideas to understand them. The only people that I tend not to like are those that I see mistreat or take advantage of others, even when they've treated me well. And I believe strongly that it is these interactions and relationships that enrich us and contribute to our happiness. I think we'd all be a little more happy if we'd just let ourselves be a little more.... human.