The Oppression of Culture

A friend of mine once told me about his situation. He originally comes from a country with a very strict, religious culture located in the middle-east. A few years ago he met a beautiful girl while visiting in his home country and married. Although he says that in the beginning he was completely in love, the marriage quickly went south. I'll relay his explanations of what went wrong in a moment, but before I do let me say that my friend is gay. He say that his wife became verbally and physically abusive shortly after marriage and that this is what killed his love for her. He said that she would throw tantrums and begin beating him in public. He says that she continually berates him. Since then he's moved back to the states and she remains in his country. They still talk by phone everyday, but really they argue much more than talk.

He says that even worse of berating him, she talks bad about his family. So about a week ago he decided to give her some of her own medicine and be equally cutting. The response was quick. She's now talking divorce, which I think is best thing that could happen to this disaster.

Here's the interesting part... In spite of his experiences, he says he still thinks that if he found the right girl, that he'd fall completely in love and stay happy and faithful for the rest of his life. I doubt it, but who am I say "no"?

We talked about his desire to have natural-born children. What struck me most was his question of what is the motivation for living in the absence of children. Well, I can think of a lot and began to give him specific things that make life glorious and worth living... no... worth relishing.

He's had relationships with guys before: one for four years and one for 7. But he's convinced that healthy relationships in America are nearly impossible because there's too much opportunity. He says that he even feels his own eyes and desires wander while here. These past few months he's become celibate after an HIV scare earlier this year. He's cut ties from all of his gay friends and never goes out. As a result his entire cadre of acquaintances are people from his country. As he puts it, they're all married and have children or are expecting. He says that he has no friends.

Of course we have to understand the extraordinary pressure that culture and family places upon people in these situations. I remember how impossible it all seemed for me in the beginning and can't begin to imagine how much more hopeless it would've seemed if I were in his situation. Therefore I cast no stones, but still it touches me.

Of course his story is not unique. I have another friend (latino) in much the same situation. No, he's neither married nor looking to marry. This one is over 40 and has progressed to the stage where he believes life remains completely out of reach. He feels sad and alone and tries to substitute anonymous sex for things we wants, but believes are out of reach. His problem is that he's sure that his family would disown him if they found out and he feels that he's grown up to close to them to lose them.