The Oppression of Culture

A friend of mine once told me about his situation. He originally comes from a country with a very strict, religious culture located in the middle-east. A few years ago he met a beautiful girl while visiting in his home country and married. Although he says that in the beginning he was completely in love, the marriage quickly went south. I'll relay his explanations of what went wrong in a moment, but before I do let me say that my friend is gay. He say that his wife became verbally and physically abusive shortly after marriage and that this is what killed his love for her. He said that she would throw tantrums and begin beating him in public. He says that she continually berates him. Since then he's moved back to the states and she remains in his country. They still talk by phone everyday, but really they argue much more than talk.

He says that even worse of berating him, she talks bad about his family. So about a week ago he decided to give her some of her own medicine and be equally cutting. The response was quick. She's now talking divorce, which I think is best thing that could happen to this disaster.

Here's the interesting part... In spite of his experiences, he says he still thinks that if he found the right girl, that he'd fall completely in love and stay happy and faithful for the rest of his life. I doubt it, but who am I say "no"?

We talked about his desire to have natural-born children. What struck me most was his question of what is the motivation for living in the absence of children. Well, I can think of a lot and began to give him specific things that make life glorious and worth living... no... worth relishing.

He's had relationships with guys before: one for four years and one for 7. But he's convinced that healthy relationships in America are nearly impossible because there's too much opportunity. He says that he even feels his own eyes and desires wander while here. These past few months he's become celibate after an HIV scare earlier this year. He's cut ties from all of his gay friends and never goes out. As a result his entire cadre of acquaintances are people from his country. As he puts it, they're all married and have children or are expecting. He says that he has no friends.

Of course we have to understand the extraordinary pressure that culture and family places upon people in these situations. I remember how impossible it all seemed for me in the beginning and can't begin to imagine how much more hopeless it would've seemed if I were in his situation. Therefore I cast no stones, but still it touches me.

Of course his story is not unique. I have another friend (latino) in much the same situation. No, he's neither married nor looking to marry. This one is over 40 and has progressed to the stage where he believes life remains completely out of reach. He feels sad and alone and tries to substitute anonymous sex for things we wants, but believes are out of reach. His problem is that he's sure that his family would disown him if they found out and he feels that he's grown up to close to them to lose them.

Struggle

Before I begin let me say that by trade I am a technologist. I program computers for a living. It's something I began doing long before I knew that anyone would ever pay me for it and I continue to love it until this day.

That said, I think that there is something seriously twisted with our society and what we call progress. Progress is almost always associated with clever inventions and productivity increases. It's kind of like those TV commercials that proclaim if only you had this type of soap or that kind of gadget that our lives would be finally complete. In a way we all know that it's a scam and yet in a broader sense we've all bought into this line of thinking.

I believe that we were made to struggle and that that struggle is an inseparable part of our existance. I believe that we without challenges of all types, we cease to grow and in a very real way we start to die. We must labor in spirit and mind and body. Yes... and to some extent we must even suffer inconvenience and discomfort, but rather than these being negative things they are a part of what makes life beautiful and full. Although I'd never walk knowlingly head first into a door, I believe that we have gone way too far in our pursuit to eradicate even the slightest bit of discomfort from our lives.

Somehow we've come to believe that the ultimate goal of progress is to... to... well to not do anything. We attempt to invent and then purchase these things to do everything for us. The sad reality is that we have become indentured to the maintenance and care of the very things that we thought would free us in the first place. But free us from what? Life?

Life is about living and loving and sharing of one's self. Life is to be experienced. Rather than becoming hermetically sealed perhaps we should be playing in the dirt just a little more.

So what is real progress? Real progress is using the vast creativity of the human spirit to alleviate true suffering such as hunger and disease. True progress is to prevent murder and rape and to provide an opportunities for happiness to all. And in these ways our progress as a species has been spotty at best.

But until we achieve true progress, I'll keep my day job of programming computers so that they can make us a cup of coffee without us having to lift a single finger.

We Are Beautiful

If ever there was a theme song made just for me, this is it. The truth is that I believe that I am unique and special and yes... beautiful. But the real miracle is that so is everyone else. We all are beautiful. Sure there are some that have covered their beauty with ugliness, but the majority of us retain the beauty of our creation. I love this song because it reminds us of who we are.

Home

I arrived back in Washington DC just a few days ago. This of course was my second, extended stay in Barcelona. I loved it so much the first time that I chose to spend a second extended stay there instead of using the time to visit places I had never been. All I can say is that I wouldn't have thought it possible to have enjoyed it more than the 1st time, but indeed I did.

My trip was all I wanted and more. Of course I love the language study and just the fact of being in a foreign place that I love. Of course I loved the beaches. But above all else, I loved getting to know the people there. I mean really talking to and getting know the people that live everyday of their lives there. The people opened their arms and accepted me in to their lives if only for a short while and I have no doubt that a few of them will remain friends for many years to come.

Having been gone from work for so long, I started to become anxious about the crises and catastrophes that would await me. I was pleasantly pleased to find that all was in order. Sure my inbox was overflowing and it'll take a couple of weeks just to unbury myself, but all was ok.

But most of all, I'm happy to be reunited the BF and my little doggie. These past few days at home have just felt so right and joyful that I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else for a long period of time. I love Barcelona and definitely plan to return within the next year or two. But my home is and always will be wherever the BF is.

Things I Love

I frequently have conversations with people I meet about what moves them... what do they love to do most. The normal thing to do when we meet others is to ask "what do you do", referring to their occupation. I like to ask the same question, but in reference to fun.

So what do I love?

• I love interacting with people. This can be good friends, acquaintances or just meeting new people. Often I feel that I take a little something away from such meetings. I love the socializing, and most especially, the sharing of our essences.


• I love anything nude. Partly because it enhances my interactions with people, but also because I'm a little bit of an exhibitionist.


• I love dedicating myself to some task and becoming good at it. Examples of this include my life-long love of sports and pursuit to learn Spanish. I love struggling and putting everything into a tennis game and leaving knowing that I did the absolute best that I could on that day.


• I love learning new things and understanding things. This includes travel, culture, history and technology.


• I love seeing people smile.


• I love to contemplate the world I live in including topics such as sociology, science and politics as well as anything else that might capture my attention on a given day.


• I love beautiful, warm days with a bright shining sun.


• I love to see people in scant clothing on warm days. It's not necessarily sexual, but just the enjoyment of having layers that separate us removed.

Leasons from Dubai

FYI: The photo has nothing to do with this posting nor with nudism. It's just a photo of myself from years past that always surprises me that I was ever that young.

I just read this article about about the rise and fall of Dubai. It reminded me of something that I have observed about our culture.

Have you noticed how we have morphed into a society that is driven by the appearance of happiness rather than happiness itself? I amazed at just how pervasive it is. I too am guilty of this but we must recognize the big lie if we are to move beyond it and pursue true happiness and fulfillment.

Here's an example of what I think is healthy living: (a) we seek happiness and fulfillment, (b) we determine those things in our life that would bring happiness and fulfillment, (c) we strive to do and/or achieve those things, and (d) our efforts perceived by others providing them images of our lives.

But the logic we taught to live by is perversely backwards. What really happens is: (a) we seek happiness, (d) we see images of others that "look" happy and (e) we try to replicate the things we see in those images.

The obvious problem is that we completely miss steps (b) and (c) which are the parts that enrich our lives. Furthermore, in this era of over-commercialization, every successful salesman knows how we make decisions and is barraging us with a constant stream of well endowed-, rich- and happy-looking people for us to emulate. Of course this inevitably means buying their product. It's the big lie and may represent the one of the biggest failings of western culture.

So what do I believe brings happiness? Well of course the details are different for everyone, but common aspects tend to be:

• We are happy when we are challenged; When not challenged at work, we can create constructive challenges personal lives; If we start feeling really comfortable chances are we're not doing something right


• We are happy when we engage in active activities


• We are happy when we learn and do new things


• We are happy when we have healthy and loving relationships with others such as family, friends, neighbors, partners and even strangers


• We are happy when we feel that we are doing something useful; This can be at work or volunteering or helping someone or anything else


• We are happy when we are pursuing what we love (see steps (b) and (c) above)

Don't not believe the lie.

That's What It's All About

We used to live in new, large colonial home in northern Virginia. Four years ago, we left our beautiful home to move into a little apartment within the city that was less than a third of the size we were used to. My question is, which was better?

Our culture has taught us that more is better. That bigger, more modern and more sophisticated is better. I believe these ideas are inherently fallacious.

What does life mean? What kind of life do we want to have lived? These are questions that we all must, or at least should, ask ourselves. Each persons answer will be different so I am not saying everyone should leave the burbs. However, it is obvious to me that our culture is telling us to live a fundamentally unfulfilling lifestyle. We focus on things over people and relationships. We begin to define fun by acquiring/owning/having something rather than by doing something.

What makes me happy:

• Really knowing and connecting with people,
• Going to bed happy that I am someone that I can respect (it really doesn't matter if anyone else does),
• That brief moment with someone new when you feel that you've really connected even if it was only for a few minutes,
• Playing tennis or biking or basketball,
• Learning new things,
• Doing something good that improves the world in some small way,
• Bringing a smile to someone's face,
• Learning languages,
• Traveling to far away places and spending enough time to really get to know the place and its people,
• Helping others, and
• Anything that includes the BF.

Lull

It's been a while since I've last posted, but my brain still runs rampant. I've noticed something recently that has somehow escaped me until now. During the past few weeks I've been completely taken aback by the number of people that have spoken to me about being sad or depressed. Some were friends, others acquaintances while others complete strangers.

I wondered how I had missed such feelings in others for so long when it finally hit me. It was no accident that it all happened around the holiday season. I always feel so helpless and hurt when I see someone else hurting. It pains me when I know that I cannot fix everything and bring the smiles back. All I can do is listen because that is something that we all need now and then.

Despair

Last night the BF and I went out to Woof, dinner, then Omega. At Omega I met a guy who immigrated from an Islamic country. When he entered the bar he walked directly up to me and told me how "sexy" my shirt was to start conversation. Of course I told him pretty early on that I had the BF.

He's a very good-looking guy, likely to be somewhere around 30 years old. He told me how he only likes black men. He said his first gay experience was with black men and that he's only ever dated black men since. He told me how he had recently just came out ending his prior period of furtive encounters. Remember that the stigma in his part of the world is far greater than it is here. Since coming out he has lost (a) his wife to divorce, (b) his kids to his wife, (c) his house to his kids, (c) parents, (d) grandparents, (e) 58 cousins, (f) job although I didn't quite understand this one and more.

He says that he's given up everything for "one, good, black man". Of course this isn't true. He gave up everything to stop living a lie, nonetheless the desperation and longing of the conversation deeply touched me. There are people that search for their soulmate for their entire life and he's only been out for 2 months. He told me that he's not looking for a big dick, a good fuck, or a one-night stand. Rather, he repeated over and over that he just wants one, good, black man. He even talked about abandoning his religion and being cremated upon his death. I wonder how long it'll be before he gives in to his familial loss and declare himself straight once more.

The saddest thing of all is that it is really difficult to find just one, good, black guy. No... not because he's black, but rather because he's gay. I know that the impacts of culture upon us are grossly understated. It is what makes some blacks internalize inferiority as much as the most ardent racist. It's because they're both watching the same TV shows, movies and reading the same magazines. Well, the same holds true for us gays. We've all grown up in a society that tells us that we are less, inferior and possibly even worthless. Some of us have confronted this and have largely overcome this self-hatred, but many more are still mired neck-deep in it. This is what makes us generally not husband material. That most of us have been more or less damaged by the very society that should have nurtured us.

Fortunately, there are good men out there though. I only hope that my friend finds one. I hope that he is mentally and emotionally ready when he does.

Sexual Racism

I came across a link to a website speaking about sexual racism today and found it to be pretty well-done. I tend not to judge others sexual proclivities since I believe that they can be so complicated that often even we don't even understand why we like what we like. But this site moved my thinking on the issue a little. Perhaps there is something a little perverse about cutting off others even before we've even said "hi". Granted, the online sites that the article speaks tend not to be for casual chit-chat, but still.

Sex and racism aside, I've always greatly believed in the basic principle that positivity is more powerful than negativity. Unfortunately the power in negativity is immediate, so we often think of it as stronger, but positivity tends to alter our mood, our mindset, our happiness and the happiness of those around us. It makes us more likable and attractive. These are more subtle, but stronger. Being positive doesn't mean that we must be pushovers either. I firmly believe that we can ask for what we want and be firm, yet in the nicest way.

Nudism Update

It has been now approximately one year since I first stumbled upon my first nude event and nearly 10 months since my first became active in DC. Having just gotten home from Key West, I thought this would be a good time to reflect on how my views, understanding and general feelings have evolved over this past year.

As the BF and I sat on the couch and reflected on our vacation we also thought of our other getaways that we've had this year. Now I should say that we've always enjoyed our vacations even in prior years, but this year's vacations seemed to be especially enjoyable to us both.

The answer is really nothing new. It's the warmth of the people. You can stand in a regular bar and maybe the average person might talk to 2 or 3 or so people that they didn't already know. But if that same person was naked in the same bar surrounded with other naked men, he'd likely meet 20 to 30. Perhaps nudism just doesn't attract people that want to hide. Perhaps we just can't take ourselves quite too seriously as we stand there in our nakedness looking positively silly. If you can, try to recall having fun and playing when your an 8 year old kid. Remember the silliness and yet the absolute, true and simple fun that could come from almost anywhere at anytime. Somehow I believe that being naked kind of causes to regress into this state, but totally in a good way. It's just plain fun... well... and sexy, but I guess that's where the the 8 y/o analogy falls apart.

I find that most of us long for a sense of connectedness and a feeling of belonging. We want to be able to simply "be" while still being accepted and not judged. The irony of course is that the very things that we do to achieve these ends are those things that isolate us most. For example, to be accepted we try to be cool. Of course, this immediately alienates anyone that isn't as cool as we are. And even in the circles that have bought into our engineered coolness, there is the stress of maintaining appearances such that we hide behind our cool clothing/hair/lingo/etc. Nudism is not magic, but makes it easier to dispense with such things.

On occasion people have asked me if I am a nudist. I have trouble answering this not because I care what they think about it, but because the word seems to mean so much to so many. I mean, I don't have a political agenda. I don't necessarily think its practical for our society to completely dispense with clothing. And yet I do love being naked. I love being with others that are naked. Although I accept that we will forever live in a clothed society, I believe that our culture could benefit from a little more of the body-acceptance that nudism promotes. Oh yeah... and it's just simply fun.

Does that make me a nudist?

Go Fuck Yourself

If the title offends then, just go f... just joking.

I presume that I am like many people in that I have always had an internal, mental picture of myself that was not represented by my outward appearance. As I result, I spent a lot of time trying to present myself in a manner that my physical attributes could never attain. OK, confession time... race aside, I've always wanted to be a twinkie, but alas, that is not my destiny.

I say this because a few years ago I realized that I would never have to fuck myself. Believe it or not, this was a major revelation. It meant that I could simultaneously embrace myself just as I am without giving up my idea of beauty. BTW: I think many types are beautiful and not just twinks. see my previous post on the subject.

Sometimes people express that they are attracted to me physically, but I never ask why. Attraction is often mysterious and trying to modify one's behavior solely to become more attractive to another, specific person can sometimes be disingenuous and counter productive. Therefore, I've learned to instead embrace who I am (physically) and seek to further myself to be the best that I can be (physically). This is far better than trying to become someone else (physically).

Would I fuck myself if we met in a bar... probably not. But the great thing is that I can now accept that while still being able to feel somewhat sexy and not doubt that there are others out there for whom I will be exactly what they were looking for. I believe that this is (physical) self-acceptance and am grateful for having learned it.

Note: If you've noticed the word "physical" inserted repeatedly it is because I have never had such issues about my character, intelligence or who I was as a person. It was only the physical aspects that once gave me pause.

Questioning Nudity

By the title of this post, you may think that I'm asking if nudity is health and good or bad and damaging. Or you might wonder if I'm referring to what are the relative benefits of going letting it all hang out. Well you'd be wrong. Although I've discussed some of these topics previously in a series of posts named Why Nude, that is not my intent today.

Today I want ask a question that I've been discussing with the BF. As I've said many times before, I am often struck by the openness, niceness and acceptance that comes from nudists. But I wonder... is this because nudity disarms people making them nicer than they might be in other circumstances? Or is it because nudity inherently attracts nicer people who already have a deep desire to be in the presence of others in such a disarming and intimate setting? Would taking a really mean person and putting them into a voluntarily nude setting soften them up ever so slightly?

I really don't know, but I suspect it might be a little of both. I guess I ask this question because the scientist within does care. It also likely has macro-social impacts on our society as a whole. But aside from that, I'm not sure it matters to me personally much at all. I love nudism/naturism because it is so wonderfully open, accepting and intimate and am grateful that I've had the opportunity to experience it.

Nudity At Its Best

So this weekend was the first of two naked gatherings that I'm attending this summer. Essentially a local group coordinates these events amongst other activities throughout the year. These gatherings are held at vacation homes in the country of members of the group that are nice enough to allow 60 naked boys to take over.

This was the first one I've ever attended and frankly I would have to describe it as idyllic. I'll try to paint a picture, but I'm sure I won't do it justice. It was just so freeing to be surrounded by nature, hot weather, a cool pool and beautiful, friendly naked boys. I love how I'll sometimes start talking to someone that I didn't know beforehand and discover an interesting and beautiful person inside.

It's funny, but I remember when I was younger, perhaps in my late teens, thinking about how much we humans crave and need to be connected with each others and yet how we live our lives in relative isolation. I remember thinking that if we just didn't have so many hang ups, and if we were able to become more accepting of and openly loving toward each other, how we'd all be so much happier. I remember thinking how this would never happen because it was unfortunately contrary to our human nature. There was so much potential for happiness that is being wasted by our own insecurities and mistrust.

It's like when you go to a bar. So two random guys are sitting separately nursing their drinks when all they really want is to meet someone new and share a moment. But of course the barriers are too great. What if you get rejected? What if they think you just looking for sex? What if you are looking for sex and they're not? And because of this, we choose to continue to sit in isolation more often than not.

I'm not saying these naked evens are perfect, but they're closer to that open, warm, accepting environment that I never thought could exist outside of family and close friends. Sex aside, this is why I love nudism. I love that it makes us all better people. It provides one with a sense of belonging, or better yet... a liberation so complete that need to belong goes away and you're free to just.... be.

Fleeting Moments

I love meeting and interacting socially with people. I've often been surprised by how sometimes the briefest and most insignificant meeting can become so... intimate. I'm not even talking about sex or even necessarily touching. But throughout my life there have been times when the rushing road of life have paused ever so briefly and given me a special moment that I've treasured ever since.

For example, I recall when I was just 12 years old in my grandmother's apartment building on Nagel avenue in Manhattan, where I met another boy my age. I remember how we stole a can of disgusting, store-bought frosting from his house and hid within the boiler room of the building while we ate it with our fingers. Later during my college years, I recall riding behind my best friend Matt as he sped us across Mississippi fields on his 4 wheeler/ATV. I remember wrapping my arms around his wait and burying my head into the back of his neck to protect myself from the wind.

Well this weekend I had one of these moments. Well... perhaps not quite that intense, but you get the idea. The BF and I went to the bi-monthly, naked, cocktail party where, by the way, I had a blast (figuratively that is). Anyway, after the party the bar opens to the public and several of the party attendees typically hang around and have a drinks together afterwards. Well, after standing around and talking to a few people, a guy came up behind me and hugged me. Now this is an absolutely gorgeous guy that I had seen several times before, but only recently had met at a previous party where he sucked me in broad daylight. He held me from behind for a long time, wrapping his arms around to my front as he softly caressed me, whispering into my ear the whole time. Now if you were to ask me what made this moment special, I'd be at a loss of words to explain how this moment differed from any one of a million, everyday moments. But somehow it was different and shall be something that I will remember for a long time to come.

Thougths on Acceptance

Today I read something that reminded me of just how vicious and needlessly unthoughtful we gay people can often be to each other. It's a wonder that while we engage in a life-long struggle for struggle within our families and society, we nevertheless can't help but alienate others around us. We criticize and exclude others because they're too effeminate, don't wear the right clothes, not the right race, too old, too fat or just not cute enough. All this made me ponder what does it really means to be accepting of others. When I point out to a close friend of mine that he made an unnecessarily mean remark about someone, he responds that he's sure that they'd do the same to him.

That may be so, but do we really want to emulate the most base behavior of our society? Do we really want to let the worst of the worst set our individual goal posts of who we want to be? The funniest thing about most of the criticisms that I hear is that they are almost always completely irrelevant to the person saying it. Why would I really care what someone else is wearing? Can we not celebrate and accept that person's different-ness without the acceptance marginalizing who we are?

For me the obvious answer is that it becomes very hard to accept others when we do not accept ourselves. When we don't accept ourselves for who we are, we fabricate arbitrary, alternative measures and then project these often superficial values upon others to see if (a) they are better or below us, or (b) they are worthy of our attention.

That's why I think that acceptance of others is rooted in first learning to accept ourselves. For when we truly achieve self-acceptance, we gain a freedom to enjoy others around us, irrespective of their social standing and differences, without our mere join presence lowering our own self-image.

Nudism is great at allowing us to really get see the human form. No, not just one so that we can mentally criticize it, but hundreds so that we can appreciate the natural variety of the human condition. Just taking off your clothes in the presence of others requires some degree of self-acceptance. And standing before everyone else, bare as the day we were born, makes us even more capable of accepting everyone else. Being nude removes our artificial security blankets and challenges us to either cower or get over it and accept it.

Growing Up Black and Gay

A fellow blogger recently wrote a post that I found extremely moving about his experience growing up black and gay as well as the abuse that he sustained. I think it was especially moving for me because I related to exactly half of what he had to say.

I too grew up black and gay (duh). Although my teenage hormones raged incessantly, my brain still had not yet come to terms with my being gay. How this is possible given that I fooled around with many of my friends from the ages of 12 to 16 I'll never know. As is true with most gay youths, I grew up feeling that something was seriously wrong with me. Because of this, I became outwardly very asexual. During my college years at a religious university, I would go through cycles of buying porno magazines followed by repentance, yet still half of my brain had no idea that I was gay.

My whole life I've been very into sports including basketball, baseball, football, cycling, tennis and just about every other type of sport. Outwardly, I was your typical boy, so no one really suspected that I was gay. One of the reasons that the post spoke to me was because I understand the parts that spoke to the hyper-masculinity expected within the black community. Now Although I can be equally turned on by both masculine and feminine guys (see related posting), my masculinity helped shield me from torments that could have been. Later, after coming to grips with my sexuality, I too had a period where I was not sure how to relate to black males in spite of being raised in a black neighborhood of New York.

What I could not relate though was the abuse that the posting described. I was never a part of the in-crowd, but frequently the most popular kids wanted me as their friend, so things were pretty easy for me. His post was like living through one my worst nightmares of what might have been. Hearing a story like this it makes me ache to comfort the little boy inside and tell him that there is a better world out there that will accept and love him. It hurts me that I cannot comfort him and wipe away the tears for his pain is all of ours. I am glad that the Internet has arrived though. At least it provides the gay youth of today some outlet to know that, wherever they may live, they are not alone.

Reacting Constructively

This post is one my life thoughts series. These are principles that I've developed over the years that I strongly believe in and that guide my day-to-day life.

Let me start with a scenario that happens to all of us on a near-daily basis. You're driving down the highway/street and some asshole cuts you off. What do you do? How do you feel? Many of us would begin to yell or curse. Some of us might gesture at the offender. And some of us might go further and tailgate the offender or attempt "show him" or "teach him a lesson."

The truth is that in a city of reasonable size, there are 10s of thousands of asshole drivers. Believe it or not, most of which are NOT asshole people, but that's besides the point. I try to always think about what I want out of life or a given situation before reacting. When driving, it is typically to arrive at my destination safely. Luckily, it is not my job to teach the world a lesson because for everyone you teach, there are ten others to take their place. But the kicker is that all of the reactions I described above actually hurt us in some way. Either it makes us angrier or raises our stress levels. Or perhaps it causes us to drive more dangerously, increasing the chance of being in an accident, which is directly contrary to our initial purpose. In the worst case, it puts us in jeopardy of being in an altercation with someone that really may be an asshole. In fact it is hard to find a single positive outcome from our adverse reactions to such a situation and yet, this is the course that most of us typically chose to follow.

Well I believe differently. I believe we must always remember the big picture, which is our safety, well-being and happiness. These are some of the universal items, but they can obviously be different for others.

Another good example might be how to leave a job that we hate. Do we leave with a bang that accomplishes nothing? Or do we leave on pleasant terms such that we can use them as a reference or come back in the future? Even if we know we'd never work there again, what is accomplished from burning the bridge on our way out?

DISCLAIMER: I haven't proofed this post because I'm thinking of course everything is right. But I know I'll cringe when I read it later. Oh well, I guess I never learn.

Nudism Update - Self Acceptance

So after about 4 or 5 months of "experimenting" with going nude as much as possible, I find it as exhilarating now as I first did in the beginning. The biggest difference I've noticed is that I've become even much more comfortable with being nude around others. Now I have very little issues with shedding my clothes around others whether they be clothed or not. My biggest remaining hangup is that I have little desire to disrobe in situations where others would be offended by the act.

As I expected, nudism has definitely helped me become more accepting of my imperfections. I used to feel so self-conscious even in a bathing suit, thinking about the bulges in one area or sagging skin in another or marks or scars. Nudism has taught me to say "what the fuck!" To throw it all to the wind and say to myself that it I am OK. To be able to take the whole of my physical being and embrace it. My only regret in my nudism experience so far is that I didn't start it much earlier in life.

Friday Night at Omega

Well last night the BF and I went out to Omega for drinks. We didn't do too much, but stood around and talked to the people there. There was this french-sounding guy that didn't say much, but caught me walking near the staircase to the downstairs area and pulled me into a nearby alcove. He hugged me and tried to kiss me, but I told him that I had a boyfriend. He kept trying to pull me back into the alcove saying, 'just give me 20 seconds.' He followed me around for the rest of the night.

I also saw someone I previously met elsewhere. He's short, probably around 5'6" tall, black with a nice, slim body and a cute face. The last time I saw him was at the underwear night at the Green Lantern. I remember he was standing with his tall Latino friend and another black guy they had just met. He turned to me and privately asked me to assure him that he wasn't the least attractive of the three. He looked so desperate for acceptance that it was kind of sad. I told him that he wasn't the least attractive, which was true since they each had their pluses and minuses, but were essentially about even.

Well anyway... yesterday, I probably talked to him for a half hour or more. I can't believe how many times he talked about beautiful bodies, faces, etc. Every 5 minutes, he wanted to know if something about him was "good enough". He kept complimenting me on my various features. He also kept talking about others and whether they were physically good enough. Sometimes he would say the most terrible things about himself such as, "who would ever want to date a loser like me." I also remember that he made a very strange comment to me. He said, that his friends think that he isn't attracted to black guys. His point was that his attraction to me is proof otherwise. Then came the strangeness... he said, "I feel that other black guys are competition, so if I date a black guy, he should at least be more attractive than I am." I'm not even going to go into what this says to me, but it is further evidence of a world-view that inherently furthers his self-hate.

To be honest, besides his obsession of physical attractiveness, conversation was actually interesting and enjoyable. However it's hard for me to believe that people actually exist that are that superficial and insecure. I don't mean to say that I don't like him or that I am better than him, because I believe that he is hurting himself far more than anyone else. It must be hard to be happy when you whole world-view is completely wrapped up in your epidermis, skeletal structure and the size of your cock. I have a saying that we're all victims of our culture that I'd love to post about at some point. But this nice, sweet, good-looking guy is more than a victim of our culture, he is a casualty.